3 Tips for Those Who Have Tied the Knot
So, you’re engaged, or perhaps newlywed? Congratulations! By convincing somebody to tie the knot, you have achieved the most prestigious status in all of Christian life—spousehood. Remember all those sermons that you used to tune out because they were about husbands and wives? Now you can listen intently and give an enthusiastic “Amen!” to all the points that your honey tends to struggle with . . .
Forgive me for the sarcasm. Entering into a marriage covenant is truly a special thing. You probably have tons of excitement mixed with a healthy dose of apprehension. And you’re probably receiving no shortage of advice. But before you get tangled up in the church’s obsession with marriage, and before you are loaded down by a bookshelf full of writings on the topic, let me give you a few light but useful tips.
1. Marriage is hard.
Seriously. It’s super difficult. If there were any issues in your relationship that you thought would “just get easier if we were already married,” you are wrong. Dead wrong.
As soon as you say those vows, life gets messier and more complicated and a whole lot more crowded (the number of people snoring in your bed, using your toothpaste, and eating your Cheerios is about to double!). Ever heard of divorce? Most people—including many Christians—are doing it these days.
So just know that the road you are embarking upon is riddled with obstacles. Don’t beat yourself up for getting off to a bumpy start. But on the other hand, if things are always sunshine and rainbows, ask yourself, “Are we really being honest with each other?” Sharing your life so intimately with another person will always lead to some scuffles. Chances are you will either fight way too much or not nearly enough. Figure out which is your tendency and be intentional about moving toward the middle of the spectrum.
2. Marriage is about demonstrating the gospel.
God allows us to participate in his kingdom, not because we’re qualified but because he loves us. The institution of marriage is an opportunity for us to demonstrate that love to our spouse and to our observing community.
Remember ? God called him to marry Gomer, a vulnerable woman caught up in prostitution. Why would God ask his holy prophet to do that? Because it was a live image of God’s relentless love for his people. God instructed Hosea to be faithful and long-suffering with his unfaithful wife, thereby transforming her, just as God is faithful and patient to pursue us in our sin and offer us new life.
Now that you’ve entered into the world of marriage, you get to play your part in this same prophetic image. Love your spouse—even when they don’t deserve it. Be faithful. Offer your love to heal and transform them. Allow yourself to be cleansed and restored by God’s work through their love.
Like many things in the Christian life, you will fail at this a lot. But that’s okay. Jesus knows we especially need grace in this area. Demonstrate the gospel to your community through your marriage by forgiving one another and sticking it out when it’s not easy. God doesn’t give up on us, and we’re instructed not to give up on our marriages.
3. Marriage is not the ultimate prize.
Finding someone to share your life with is a great thing that can lead to great joy. But it isn’t the only thing. Our culture and even our churches and campus ministries can become obsessed with compatibility and with finding who completes you.
But marriage isn’t for everyone. that it is God who gives both the gift of marriage and the gift of singleness. In fact, he admits that staying single is a positive factor in being available to pursue God’s purposes in the world.
I’m not trying to talk you out of getting hitched here. I just want to warn you. Soon your entire life will revolve around your marriage. You will be hanging out mostly with other couples and doing married people stuff. Eventually there is little room in your life for your single friends or for meeting new, unmarried people. And this is a huge loss! We need diversity in the body. We need each other’s unique perspectives to reveal our own blind spots.
Don’t allow your pursuit of a comfortable, healthy marriage to overcome your pursuit of Jesus and his kingdom. Find people who will challenge you to continue living your life on mission and not let you become isolated in the world of Christian family activities.
Words to Remember
Marriage is hard, but it is worth fighting for.
Marriage is about demonstrating the gospel, to your spouse and to your community.
Marriage is not the ultimate prize but rather a gift given by God.
As un-profound as they are, hopefully these few little tips will help you know what to expect out of married life. By all means, familiarize yourself with what Scripture has to say on the topic, but remember: most of the New Testament marriage advice comes from two single dudes!
Also, for the record, Denisse Foster and I have our wedding anniversary today. And we are celebrating the gift.
