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According to the one in five adults experiences some form of mental illness, and many experts say that number is conservative. The says Gen Zs are more likely than any other generation to report being diagnosed with depression (23 percent), and just over 9 in 10 “have experienced at least one physical or emotional symptom due to stress in the past month, compared to around three-quarters of adults overall who say they have experienced at least one symptom.” In addition, Covid-19 has caused increased anxiety and depression throughout society.

Recently I sat down with , who teaches counseling and pastoral care at North Park University in Chicago, to talk about how parents can support their college students in their mental health journeys.

1. What’s the first thing you say to parents who are concerned about their college student’s mental health and flourishing?

First, I would say, the parents who are comfortable talking about this are the healthiest. Sometimes out of their own anxiety or fear parents don’t know what to do, so they shut down the conversation or blame themselves. But it really has nothing to do with you.

God has made us body, mind, soul, and spirit. We need to normalize the ups and downs and recognize that mental illness looks different for everyone. Your kids need to know you’re not going to fall apart if they tell you they’re struggling. One way to help is to normalize the challenge. Tell your kids, “If you’re having thoughts that are scary at times, just name it. We can talk about it.” That seems obvious, but not many parents do that.

2. What warning signs should parents pay attention to? 

Patterns, patterns, patterns. Has there been a shift? Is your student suddenly calling every day—or not calling at all? Are they needier than usual, whatever that means for your kid? Maybe they are suddenly not visiting as much, or not making plans as much.

Another thing is rapid weight gain or loss. You know your kid, so a couple pounds might not be a big deal, but pay attention if you see something drastic.

Yet another big one is sudden grade drop. They don’t have to be an A student, but are they suddenly getting Cs and Ds? Or has their style of dress suddenly changed significantly? If there’s an increase in substance abuse in alcohol or drugs, that’s a huge sign.

3. What three recommendations would you make to parents to support their students in this area?

First, get your own therapy. You may be projecting your own anxieties and fears onto your student. Find a support group—there’s lots available for parents whose kids have mental health challenges. Sometimes kids get scapegoated. Sometimes they’re acting out something that may be happening in the family. Or they might be naming stuff in the family that hasn’t been identified or addressed. That might be scary.

Second, do your homework. Don’t get it from TV. Read some books! Google “how do I understand basic mental health?” Don’t let your kid be the only one working on this. Do your homework—and let your student know you’re doing that.

And third, communicate with your kid that you’re joining them on the journey—you get to break the stigma too. Tell them, “Mom (and/or Dad) is here with you—and I’m scared.” Who knows what that might open up? There’s something about being humble, about admitting you don’t have it all together but that you’re going to work together to get some help to figure this out, not just for your student’s sake but for your own sake too. Lots of parents don’t want to go there, because who knows what will come up for them, for their own relationship? But it can be very healing and transformative.

4. Some communities still retain a stigma about mental health or view mental health challenges as a spiritual battle. What would you say to parents in those settings? 

Think about someone in your family who has a physical illness—would you say that to them? You wouldn’t say that about any other illness. Is that how Jesus would respond to someone struggling?

Be inquisitive. You may not have all the answers, but ask, “What does it feel like to not want to get out of bed?” Or, “What does it feel like to be so anxious that you can’t even talk?” Don’t make assumptions. You ask questions when you really care about people.

5. What if my child is struggling but won’t talk to me about it?

First of all, have this conversation beforehand. I would hope that conversations about mental health do not emerge for the first time in college. Tell your son or daughter, “If you don’t feel comfortable talking to me, especially if you’re in crisis, who are the people it would be okay for you to talk to? How would we communicate if you’re too afraid to tell us about that assault, about that suicide ideation? We want to support you, but we understand it might be challenging.”

Every kid is different—some might tell you in the moment of a crisis, or maybe they’ll begin by talking to a professor or family member. But you want to set up some plans in place, so you’re not figuring it out when it’s happening.

6. Where does Jesus enter into this conversation?

One reason I love Jesus is that he never minimized people’s pain. When we have people in our life who are suffering from mental health challenges, we know we can’t solve it, but can we create a welcoming space for them? They may fear that Jesus doesn’t love them anymore or they’re not a good Christian, that they did something wrong, that it’s a sign of weakness if they need medication. There’s so much judgment out there. We can join with God in helping them see that they’re just someone who is hurting like anyone else. Jesus never turns away anyone who is suffering.